Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Columbus Update

Well, we made it to Ohio a week and a half ago, have moved into our little house, and are waiting on our truck to arrive with all our belongings. Hopefully it will come in 2 weeks (but it's already a week late, so WHO knows).

Columbus is gorgeous! I love it. We have a river a mile from our house, a zoo, a neighborhood with sidewalks, a playground in the backyard...it's great! Our house is super cute, thanks to my parents to came up and did all sorts of work on it. Colton loves Columbus too. He likes going for walks outside, picking bark off trees, and swinging on his swing. So, he is doing well all things considered.

In the week and a half we've been here, we've already had 5 interviews/ meetings for Colton's therapies, 2 Occupational Therapy appointments, and another 3 meetings in the next week to get him rolling in the other therapies.

As for me?...well, I'm just trying learn how exactly to be me and handle all our changes. Do I tell people, or do I wait? Do I act positive and upbeat so people don't feel bad for me, or do I really let them know what I'm going through so they can support me? Do I want to make my life "Autism" or do I want to show a balance so I can have friends? No one wants to be friends with someone who is always whining and only talks about their own kids problems. How do I find that balance of being caring, giving, friendly, while helping others know the REAL me of what I'm struggling with. How do I relate to others? Being a mom gives you an automatic ability to relate to other mothers...but for me, I have different struggles/battles/ worries/ fears...it alienates me naturally and makes me feel lonely. How do I not feel lonely? I feel myself just wanting to withdrawl from everything...facebook...blogging...all of it because all I can think to post about is Colton, and don't want to push people away. Do I just join Autism support groups? How will Colton do with all the therapy? How much will he cry in protest? How much of that can I handle? How am I going to do implementing his therapies 100% of the time? Will I have the strength? How much is he going to improve? Will he start talking again? Well he ever relate to anyone other than close family? Will he ever have friends again? So many questions...

Overall, I'm optimistic about the future. I feel Columbus is the place for us for progress for Mike, me and Colton. But, in being honest, it's really hard trying to figure it all out and figure out the new "me" because Colton does change that now. I live IN this world, but I also have my own little Autism world which sets be apart and makes me have to see the world differently in order to understand Colton.

Okay, enough rambling for now!
(I kinda look prego from this angle, I assure you I am not)
Our house

Monday, June 13, 2011

The last 24 hours

I have 24 hours left in this house. Nothing brings on more emotions than moving. Moving is one of those experiences that forces you to reflect on your life. Every time I move, every move resurfaces and I find myself segmenting my life into all the different moves: moving to college, moving to my first apt with Mike, moving to Vegas, moving into our first home...

I remember the feelings of all my hopes and expectations, close that chapter and reflect, and look forward to the next chapter. This move is especially hard.

Allow me to recount the story of this house:

Mike and I moved into this house 3 1/2 years ago. It was our first home. We picked out every little detail and watched the whole building process. Mike and I would drive up 2 times a week just to walk through our concrete slab and imagine just were everything would go. "Here is where we will have our first baby's room"..."he will love this backyard...especially this hill, I bet he'll run up and down this hill," "we'll set up his toys right here!"
Finally, moved in and were as excited as could be. A few months later we found out we were expecting. We used to sit in Colton's future room and just dream up everything that he would be. I would picture rocking to him, watching him in his crib, playing with him.

In Feb of 2009 Colton was born. We were so in love. Colton filled our home with immense love and we became a little family. This house saw it all, baby Colton, the non-crawling Colton, the walking and talking Colton, the stressful mom, the laughs, the tears the joy and the love.

Colton was our dream come true. Just as we dreamed, Colton would run up and down the back hill, I would rock him in his chair...we lived and loved in every corner of this house.


Now here we are almost 2 1/2 years later. We've been through a LOT a lot. A lot has changed. I've spent recent nights at the side of Colton's crib, crying, confused, scared, just looking at his perfect sleeping face. How did this happen to us? Why can't everything just go back to the way it was? But with those sleepless nights have come peace and hope. My hopes and dreams for Colton have been put on a different path. It's a different adventure than what I had dreamed up for the past 3 1/2 years. But, we are leaving this house a stronger family. I have a stronger love for Mike. I have a stronger love for Colton.
He still IS my dream come true. He still is the light of my life and my whole world.

BOY oh boy oh boy how my heart aches for this kid. I hope that in a few years when I'm reflecting back on this next house, it'll be memories of increased understanding for how Colton works, progress, progress, and progress, increased faith in the Lord, a stronger testimony of the Savior, and a deeper appreciation and love for Mike.

Life is a funny thing. So slow, yet so quick. Nothing like you expected, but worse and better at the same time. So, Ohio....

READY or not, here we come!